When I finally make my way,
Crawling,
Grasping,
Lurching this skeletal life forward,
Plummeting,
Collapsing,
At your feet-
Would it only be then that you can’t deny me?
When I take hold of your robe-
Not for healing but for a glance;
A glimpse
Jerking you towards me so that I will not be ignored
I have screamed,
And cried.
Whispered utterances that were so clearly scattered aside
“As if my worship in the wilderness,”
“Were like a pungent stench to your nostrils.”
My tears
Only being used to dampen the towel
You wipe your mouth with.
After consuming
All of my pain,
Making sure you have enough room
To enjoy more of my sufferings
“They all look to me for encouragement,
For words of wisdom to prepare them for days
Such as this.”
But I have nothing to offer.
My lips sewn together,
Through the stitching
You give me coarse sand
To drink
They’re still looking to me,
Drooling with anticipation
Throwing down your Word
At my feet
Expecting a miracle
To fly up from these pages
And cut loose my hands, currently bound
But no such thing happens
Instead, I am blinded
By empty passages and love letters
Not addressed to me.
I have been gutted
And emptied
Left only with my thoughts
That sneer and tease
As what’s left of my faith
Puddles sloppily around me
Causing me to sink and melt
With no eyes to see
Or mouth to plead
I am left only with ears
Straining
To hear anything I recognize
Anything I’ve missed
But I hear silence so deafening
Thunderous defeats
As my body wretches from side to side.
What is there to give?
When everything has been given?
What is there to hope for
When all prayers have been thrust afar?
What is there to cling to,
When all promises are broken?
What is there to do if I don’t recognize
Who you are?
—
Writer Bio:
Kristina Rivera is a writer based in Chicago , IL. She is a breast cancer survivor that is passionate about professing God’s goodness through suffering and creating safe spaces for women to congregate and share their struggles. Writing helps remind her that although life is hard and unclear, God’s love is never failing and she hopes to encourage and embolden others to believe this as well.
Photo by Leah Kelley on Pexels.