When I was a kid, saying “I love you” and displaying the actions that came with it seemed to be one of the simplest things. Yet somewhere along the way, the act of love became difficult.
When I first moved to Chicago, I had a plan that had everything to do with me and what I wanted. I would not form deep relationships with any of my classmates. I would stick with the few people that I knew before moving here and connect with those unattached to the graduate school I attended or my place of work. And once my program was completed, I would go home; unscathed by Chicago.
My need to keep people at arm’s length came from the actions of people who cut me deeply in the past. I was tired. And in my exhaustion, I felt it best to go at things by remaining on the surface with others. My plan failed. As most plans to wrongly protect yourself do.
In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis makes this bold statement,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Sometimes in our pain, we choose to carry burdens that were never for us to carry alone. We convince ourselves of the lie that if we go at anything without becoming attached, we will remain unscathed. The reality is, we only further wound ourselves when we keep everything in. For me, it took slowly opening up about the difficulty of the time my first year in Chicago was. From, honestly, living with a woman who clearly needed to live on her own in her own space to being hurt, again, by someone who I thought cared for me. And, what is always painful: the dismissiveness of others when I did open up.
Yet through making those small steps, and therapy (let’s be honest), I was able to forgive, love, and grant myself grace. And by extension, more quickly grant those same things to others.
With time, I found the community and the people that work for me in this season of my life.
“When we can see ourselves as we truly are and accept ourselves, we build the necessary foundation for self-love…whether we learn how to love ourselves and others will depend on the presence of a loving environment. Self-love cannot flourish in isolation.”
To be frank, there are times where I am not the biggest fan of Chicago. I still question why God has me here. But, in the lessons I’ve learned while being here, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 has served as a reminder in my daily life. And while living that out is challenging, it makes me better and hopefully those I meet.
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
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Writer Bio:
Shonette Reed is the founder and editor of Resolute Magazine. The South Central Los Angeles native enjoys cooking, exploring, expansive conversations, and reading a good book when she's not working or planning for work.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.